2022.08.24 WednesdayTheres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. I cried myself to sleep. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. You're surely not alone. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. I got a very different vibe from this. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. Then my partner came along. Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. I am a much better, well adjusted adult because he did this instead of pretending to like whatever show I was watching at the time. Obsessed with dolls? But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. I was like 7.) I just dont get it. I know from personal experience. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! lets_be_honest Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. But for practical advice: board games. The LWs husband sounds like my father. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. I never did the gross stuff either. And not just to me and your husband. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. They wouldnt do that, would they? Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Dis you see this: He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. It makes them feel safe. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. Good stuff all around! Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. 11 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children - Divorced Moms This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Show interest in his interests. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. I simply didnt get it.) Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. WOW! He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. is the crux of your real issues here. She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. What is this site, a Masters program? Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. lets_be_honest Dream! July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. painted_lady Skyblossom I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. lets_be_honest Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. And so does dad. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Ostensibly through her mother. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. It struck me the wrong way, too. Parent first, friend second. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. Dad used people for his own good. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other.
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